A while back I was suffering from depression and anxiety issues. The transition from school and college made me a very anxious person. It was a hard time as I was having identity issues and could not discriminate between what I am and what I want to be and tried to act according to another person.
I was feeling hopeless and worthless and felt so undeserving of all the love and support my family and friends were giving me. I felt like a burden. I used to wake up each day and ask the same question to myself, “I have everything that a person wants. Then why am I not happy and question my existence in this world”. I was having suicidal ideation, the idea of ending my life peacefully. I blamed life for being so unfair to me that I felt lonely despite having people.
I still remember that night, where I was lying in bed and looking at the ceiling wishing and hoping my life to end. I had a panic attack and I felt light. But not that much light that thought goes away. The emotions I felt were so intense, so real, so raw, so painful. I felt like they would never end and would increase and go up and up and up until I exploded.
I thought of reaching out to people and the first thing they always replied is “suicide is for a weak person”, and “it’s very selfish to do that”.
I just wanted to scream at them and say suicide is not a choice, it’s not a voluntary choice. It happens and occurs when the person gives up and sees no rational reason for ending the pain.
Some even feel that suicide is an unreasonably selfish choice where we leave behind the family and friends with unbearable loss and pain. But one must realise, the suicidal thought does not mean the person wants to die. They just want their unbearable suffering to end. They wish and hope that something takes away their pain even if it includes taking one’s own life. They see no choice. A person having a suicidal tendency have a hard time struggling with reality and does not have the rationality or reason of how to end the pain and they give in. Likewise, I didn’t want to end my life, I wanted to end my suffering.
The fact that I am writing this tells you that I survived those thoughts and pain. The journey from there to here was not an easy one. But I made it and I only came out stronger. That journey is different for everyone but it can be done and I am proof of it.
Triah
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