One fine day I was sitting with my friends, I knew them since childhood we went to school together and now, even in college, we find time for each other and then I had this sudden realisation of lacking something in my life. I was with these people I love but I felt empty and strange like they are not everything I want and something was missing. I felt lonely, I tried laughing and enjoying myself but I could not. I felt heaviness in my chest I was looking for something that I can’t pinpoint. It was unbearable and hard to pass the feeling. That was the first experience of missing something.
Then I had a similar incident, when I went on a trip, I felt lonely and I can say that it was loneliness because I felt empty and broken, for no apparent reason. It was hard to face these feelings, I checked on why it’s happening, was it that I don’t have a good relationship, friends, family, love, care? I had all. But this heaviness never left me, it haunted me. Then, I attempted to fill that emptiness by chasing things like people, tried hard to please them or trying new hobbies, keeping myself busy but nothing made sense. I could not shake off the feeling and desire to find something that felt missing. I felt empty, sad, and angry most days, yet I covered it up with a smile and fake gratitude. I felt lost and often felt panic and cried at night.
The frustration was gradually taking over me making me suicidal. I was making desperate attempts to be free from thought, skipped meals, lost weight. Soon, people started noticing my weight loss, I knew I was in pain and in need of help and I did find it. I let my heart out, felt more pain, felt I was living with someone else life. A life full of lies making me anxious and panic.
Then I questioned myself, “what if I was living the life according to other people”? Maybe I was so engrossed in pleasing them I lost meaning of life, myself and saw that I never did anything for myself. Everything I tried from school to college was because of the expectation of my parents of making them proud. I felt less connected to myself. After the deep realisation, I gave in and went for therapy, it was unbearable to deal with loneliness and depression.
Therapy did help me and I got to know more about myself, I was an extrovert but I was sensitive and affected by others. The more I got engaged in others and looked for outward attraction, the less I cared about myself. I was never taught or learn self-love, always focused on love comes from others and perfection. Maybe there is still a long road to love me enough. But I try, I wake up every morning and try to feel gratitude towards life and tries to make it work. No matter how much I want to give up. In this journey, you may lose the people you love, you might even find a way back to them or not. But you survive, grow and learn. For a long, I have been denying my feeling and my emotions but now I feel them, accept them and gradually let them pass. I realised one thing: life is about lessons, embracing them, accepting them and feeling them and that’s how you feel connected to yourself and others. Life is all about connections to self and others.