One fine day I was sitting with my friends, I knew them since childhood we went to school together and now, even in college, we find time for each other and then I had this sudden realisation of lacking something in my life. I was with these people I love but I felt empty and strange like they are not everything I want and something was missing. I felt lonely, I tried laughing and enjoying myself but I could not. I felt heaviness in my chest I was looking for something that I can’t pinpoint. It was unbearable and hard to pass the feeling.  That was the first experience of missing something.

Then I had a similar incident, when I went on a trip, I felt lonely and I can say that it was loneliness because I felt empty and broken, for no apparent reason. It was hard to face these feelings, I checked on why it’s happening, was it that I don’t have a good relationship, friends, family, love, care? I had all. But this heaviness never left me, it haunted me. Then, I attempted to fill that emptiness by chasing things like people, tried hard to please them or trying new hobbies, keeping myself busy but nothing made sense. I could not shake off the feeling and desire to find something that felt missing. I felt empty, sad, and angry most days, yet I covered it up with a smile and fake gratitude. I felt lost and often felt panic and cried at night.

The frustration was gradually taking over me making me suicidal. I was making desperate attempts to be free from thought, skipped meals, lost weight. Soon, people started noticing my weight loss, I knew I was in pain and in need of help and I did find it. I let my heart out, felt more pain, felt I was living with someone else life. A life full of lies making me anxious and panic.

Then I questioned myself, “what if I was living the life according to other people”? Maybe I was so engrossed in pleasing them I lost meaning of life, myself and saw that I never did anything for myself. Everything I tried from school to college was because of the expectation of my parents of making them proud. I felt less connected to myself. After the deep realisation, I gave in and went for therapy, it was unbearable to deal with loneliness and depression.

Therapy did help me and I got to know more about myself, I was an extrovert but I was sensitive and affected by others. The more I got engaged in others and looked for outward attraction, the less I cared about myself. I was never taught or learn self-love, always focused on love comes from others and perfection.  Maybe there is still a long road to love me enough. But I try, I wake up every morning and try to feel gratitude towards life and tries to make it work. No matter how much I want to give up. In this journey, you may lose the people you love, you might even find a way back to them or not. But you survive, grow and learn. For a long, I have been denying my feeling and my emotions but now I feel them, accept them and gradually let them pass. I realised one thing: life is about lessons, embracing them, accepting them and feeling them and that’s how you feel connected to yourself and others. Life is all about connections to self and others.

Triah