As a child, I grew up in a joint family or you can say extended. And you can assume the amount of love and affection I have got. As a person, I have been so close to them, that in time of crisis I would always look up to them emotionally and financially. People say that family is an important part of life and I never denied it. I obliged to them always, looked up to them, even depended on them. There was a lot of sharing caring and above all, love, and silly minor fights.
But once you become an adult, you could not help but notice that your family suddenly has become cold and estranged, for no reason at all. You find yourself secluded and cold towards those whom you loved so much once. But there is always a reason, you try to question yourself, blames yourself and above all regret that things could have turned another way. You wish, you hope, but nothing seems to work.
There is a bag full of guilt and regret in your heart, questions, doubts. You try to answer them each, in return left disappointed and in shame. You want them back, you want things to go normal. Here, you go through a phase from feeling guilty to angry. Now, the question arises of who is to be blamed. “Was it me”? “was it them?” And it hurts, you have the memories of what they are, what they were to you. And a part of you cannot accept what they have become. You realise that the blame cannot be put on you or them. And you start bargaining with your memories and try to find a middle of the path to keeping things like before. You try and fail. You try to reach out but every time you were treated with disappointment.
And your relationship goes downhill, you don’t want to try anymore, you tired. Your memories haunt you, hurts you but you can’t help but grieve. Grieve for the people who are alive but lost in a way. You go through all from guilty, blame, regret and bargaining but nothing seems to work.
You try to make peace with it. You’re tired and no longer want to dwell on your feelings. Now, even by force, you come to accept that they are not the people who you want them to be and they won’t be that ever again. Then you accept and learn to let go in your way for your mental peace. I am not saying it won’t hurt. It will, but you will have the time to grieve for the loss, the hidden loss.